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redemption and it's price ... stages_of_grief

August 2nd, 2005 (04:27 pm)

It's not the kinda thing a girl like me does, I don't really write out my feelings, I'm not up for share and grow time, but I owe him and I owe her. Fuck, B's dead, how does shit like that happen? I know how it happens, you get careless, you jump off a fucking tower to save the world, but me? I wouldn't have done it, maybe that's why I'm in here and B's in the ground.


So I know your not at the Hyperion, Wes said you were out of the country somewhere which is wicked cool I guess, if you like that kind of thing. Jail's, well do you want me to lie? Jail sucks, the bitches here think they want a piece of me, you know they don't, but don't worry A I'm keeping myself in check, only using enough force to keep me alive in the joint.

Enough with the fucking small talk, it never worked for me before and it doesn't now either, specially when I'm talking to myself, or this damn piece of paper. I'm not subtle, you know that probably better than anyone.

I felt her die. It felt like something ripped me in half, I just knew, I know B and I were never close in fact to say we hated each other was a fucking understatement, but she was my sister slayer and I felt the life drain out of her. I was laying there in my bunk and then I was screaming and they drugged me the fuck up to keep me quiet, locked me in containment or some shit for three days.

Wes came to see me after you left town, said Buffy was dead, she sacrificed herself to save the world and that bratty kid sister of hers. She jumped off a fucking tower like the damn saintly martyr she was born to be. What the fuck was her problem? Didn't she know people needed her? Didn't she fucking know that I was going to be all the damn world had left and I can't take that shit! She should have known, she should know that everyone would feel like less of a person without Buffy fucking Summers in the world, but she didn't did she? She just never knew how much she meant.

I didn't hate her, not really, but I'm betting you knew that. You probably know how it is to love and hate that girl don't you? Guess I'm no different than the rest of the world.

She wrote me, did I ever tell you that? I about pissed my pants when the first one got delivered to my cell. It was at the beginning of her school year, like August? Dracula had visited her, he'd heard about her, can you believe that shit? She was all proud that Dracula of all people had heard of her, she just didn't know ya know? She said she was still pissed off at me, still with soilder boy but that was the last time she mentioned the boy. I'm guessing she didn't like to think about the inicindent with me and her toy.

Did she ever tell you about that? I stole her body, the boss - the mayor gave me this thing, used it and there I was in B's body, I'm betting your jealous aren't you? Don't even try to play like you don't still love her. We both know she was it for you, but I took her body and slept with her boy. He looked in her eyes and the fucker couldn't even see that it was me looking back at him. He cared about her though ya know? I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but he cared.

The letters kept coming and I never had the balls to write her back, to apologize for all the bad shit I did to her. To tell her that I loved her ask much as I fucking hated her. She had everything ya know? She had the family, the friends, you, she was this master slayer and what the fuck was I? I let it get to me instead of really looking at the shit she had to deal with, maybe I didn't get it until I started to get her letters, but she was alone Angel. She was surrounded by people everyday, good people, people who loved her but still she was so alone.

And You are a fucking idiot for ever leaving her, but you know that already don't you?

The last two letters I got from her she was flipping out, that goddess bitch Glory wanted Dawn and she didn't know what the fuck she was going to do. Said she didn't even know if she'd make it through this. She was scared, never thought I'd see the day when that girl was scared. Really scared, I shoved it off because she's on this pedastal you know? She's like the slayer they'll write books about and I thought she could handle it. I didn't want one of those fucking 'if your reading this' letters but I got one.

Maybe she had some sort of misplaced trust in me, but I got one of those damn things. She said it was the only one she wrote. I guess she didn't want to hurt you, but fuck if I'm not going to tell you what she said. Only that's something that's gonna be in person if you ever get your ass back to the country and come visit me. It doesn't seem right to throw out her thoughts where some prick ass gaurd is going to read it before stamping on one of those fucking 'originated from LA County Correctional facility' on it.

She's better than that. I'm better than that and I'm better than this. Is this my redemption? Is sitting here on my ass with everything handed to me, living just like I did in Boston having to watch my back and not making one fucking bit of difference, is this what my redemption is?

I never got to tell her, I was too fucking scared to tell her I was sorry, afraid she laugh at me. Maybe that's why I'm telling you this shit, cause your the closest I'm going to get to her. And don't even start on about Red or the brat, cause fucking hell Angel you are the closest thing to B and you know it and that's why you left the fucking country. It's like if I tell you, somehow she'll know, maybe that's fucked up and stupid but it's all I got and I'm kinda lost.

I think I'm more lost now than when I first came after you. The line runs through me now, is the fucking council going to keep sending assasins after me forever? Just to get their new slayer? Is that my destiny now? To fucking rot till they manage to get rid of me? I'm not doing anything, I'm not fighting the good fight, I'm talking to a fucking shrink for hours and waving off advances to get my very own bitch in here. I can't stand it, it's like I'm crawling out of my fucking skin and it's wicked hard to even see where the line is.

Would she really want this? She said she wrote to me cause I was the only one who understood, after they did some mojo and envoked the first slayer she needed someone to know, to see what she saw and maybe I am. Maybe I'm the only one who ever got that part of her, cause even you, you never saw the dark, it's there you know.

Can't say I'm liking this whole bare my soul on paper to the only vampire whose got a soul himself, but you saved me ya know? I owe you, weither you think I do or not I do.

I'm tired of this share and grow shit, but I had to write you.